04
D E E P
continued...
Sunday
My Dad’s test was inconclusive, so they have to do it again. Dad does his best to be chirpy, but they’re both running on empty. Mum looks old, more like a granny than a Mum. They want to have ‘A Talk’.
It’s a relief when the phone rings. I pick it up and it’s Neat. She wants to tell me something but first, I have to promise not to tell anyone.
If it’s that you’ve dumped Jug, I already know
Apparently, that wasn’t it. Then there’s an awkward bit, where nobody speaks. To break the silence, Neat asks me what I’m going to talk about on Speech Day?
Speech Day is a stupid event where you have to stand up in front of the whole school for 3-whole-minutes and talk about something you love, like Fortnite. It’s the most embarrassing day ever, especially if you don’t have a hobby. And your face looks like mine.
I ask Neat what is the point of this phone call?
She hangs up.
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​
For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of spending time alone with Lauren Hope. The next day, it happened.
Lauren Hope was walking up the corridor as if it were a catwalk. I swear she walks in slow-motion. I look down as she passes, so as not to make eye contact.
Then I think NO! Stuff this! What’s the worst that can happen? She’ll blank me? She’ll call me Jam-Face? That’s a small price to pay for saving Mia’s life. Because if I can get Lauren Hope to convince her Father not to drain the pool, I really will live Happily Ever After. That’s all I have to do, ask Lauren Hope one little question.
Excuse me Lauren, can I ask you something?
Sure, but can we do this later? I’m late for Chess Club, sorry
She glides past and heads for the door. In a second, she’ll be gone! So, I shout,
It’s about your Dad!
She turns to face me. All pale grey eyes.
What abouthim?
I want him to stop
Stop what?
Draining the pool.
Whatpool?
She has no idea what I’m talking about. I am haemorrhaging confidence.
The pool I fell in. So… I won’t fall in… again. Because there’s no sign, telling me not to… fall in.
I have no idea why I said that. She scrunches up her nose as if to say, “This is weird”.
And what has thatgot to do with me?
Because your Dad is doing it
What?
Draining the pool, so maybe you could tell him? That it’s wrong?
And whywould I do that?
Because I asked?
No, I mean, why would I do that for you?When you’re the one who called me a brat?
I’m sorry.
So you did say that?
That last bit was a trap. Note to self: it’s a really bad idea to argue with someone this smart. Lauren Hope walks towards me, which is thrilling, because when she talks, tiny flecks of her spit land upon my face. We’re almost kissing.
And do you know whyyou think I’m a brat?
It’s another trick question, that I don’t know how to answer.
No.
Because you judge me by my appearance.
And the fact that you’re so rich.
No Jan…
(pronounced correctly)
…my Dad is rich because he works really hard to make this town a better place, by making affordable homes so that people like you can have warmth and shelter, so before you even begin to think about attacking my family, ask yourself this, what have I done to help our community? Apart from beat up two kids, hang out with a thug and fall in some water? You have never once said a nice thing to me and now you’re asking for help? I don’t think so.
She walks away. I desperately try to think of something to say, to win her back. At a loss for what to say, I go for an insult.
We can’t all be perfect.
Oh, gimme a break. Nobody cares about your birthmark and it doesn’t make you special. The reason people don’t like you is because you don’t like us.
(Then softer)
Look, I’m sorry that your Dad is ill, but I really do have to go.
Then she walks away, forever.
-
​
That night, I can’t sleep. Our house is so noisy, it sounds like a jungle. My Dad is vomiting, my Mum is sobbing and there’s the drip drip drip of a tap. Mia wants to talk but I’m not in the mood. My mind is somewhere else. With Lauren Hope. Of all the people that I have to fight, why does it have to be her?
I make a vow, to stand in front of the Suck-Truck in the style of Tiananmen Square. For added effect, I will scrawl the word STOP on my chest. That’s a cool idea!
I get out of bed and grab the biggest felt-tip pen I can find. It’s bright red and fat. I scrawl the word STOP on the rippling bones of my chest, then stand in front of the full-length mirror in my best defiant pose.
I look silly.
The driver of the Suck-Truck will have two choices:
-
Brake, or
-
Accelerate
If he chooses Option 1, Harry Hope will holler something like,
Will someone get that stupid kid out of the way?
Then six massive construction workers will walk menacingly towards me. Someone, probably Mum, will take a photo of me being pounded by six hairy men and post it on Social Media. It’ll go viral. For Harry Hope, it’ll be a PR disaster and the whole thing will be cancelled.
Option 2 is that the driver accelerates, in which case, I will die. Again, a PR disaster but this time, with the added bonus of a heroic martyr (me). The town will build a statue in my honour and everyone will cry, at which point their tears will spring to life, blob together and drown Harry Hope. Hooray!
In both cases, Mia will be saved.
Option 3 is where Harry Hope calls the police and they cart me away in a van. The pool will be drained and Mia will die in a puddle.
-
​
Speech Day
Imagine this, an endless stream of kids talking about their hobbies. How boring is that? It’s the worst day ever.
Here are some examples of what people talked about:
Spencer George: Hair gel
Poppy Nesbit: Collecting Unicorns
Billy MacKenzie: Watching the telly
Tommy ‘Carpet’: My Dad, the carpet fitter
Jan Bunn: How to buy jazz shoes if you have wide feet
Suzy Wang: Worms 3
Bob Chonk: Long division can be fun
Anita Jasso: Remorse
Unfortunately for Neat, none of us knew what ‘Remorse’ meant, so much of her speech was wasted. Apparently, it means ‘sorry’. Why didn’t she just say that in the first place?
Then Neat started droning on about her “Epiphany”, which I thought was a part of your inner-ear but it’s not. It’s a “Religious-style Experience”. Then light-bulb moment when Bad Girl Neat finally saw the light and vowed to change her wicked ways forever. I try to imagine a nice Neat. It’s impossible.
​
When Jug got up to talk, everyone laughed.
James ‘Jug’ Weston: My Top Ten awesome weapons in Fortnite, Call of Duty Ghost and Redemption
Miss Fisk told him to stop right there, saying it was inappropriate. As Jug slumped back down, he mumbled a swear word (beginning with “sh”) and Miss Fisk heard it. Miss Fisk barked that he should…
Go to the Office!
…which doesn’t sound much of a punishment, but it is, because our Headmistress is Mrs Slesser and she eats kids for breakfast.
Next to take the stand is,
Lauren Hope: Free Speech
Lauren Hope’s legs are so long, that she only needs three steps to get to the podium. Everyone else takes six. Lauren Hope takes out her handwritten speech then shocks everyone by ripping it up. The whole school draws breath.
Lauren Hope explains that she wasgoing to talk about free speech by quoting great leaders like Martin Luther King, but watching Jug leave the room, made her think about her own school experience and how free speech defines it. The entire school is in love with her, including every teacher.
Lauren Hope enlightens us. She doesn’t approve of violent video games but thought it wrong to silence Jug. The brief was, to share the thing you love and what Jug loves is violence. It’s a controversial choice but the fact that his anger is channelled into a screen, rather than outwards, towards Society as a whole, is healthy, Lauren thinks is healthy. Of course, she’d prefer to see him play sport, as that’s where his intelligence lies. She sees Jug as a raw talent who needs nurturing, so that he too can find his own positive voice. Because all of us have potential, even Jug. In fact, Jug did something that dwarfs all of our achievements, he saved someone’s life. However, there is one thing that Lauren Hope cannot forgive…
And she stares straight at me.
…those who use free speech as a tool to hurt people, to destroy, to stainsomeone’s character. Lauren Hope explains that the word ‘hate’ gags in her mouth but in this case, it’s appropriate. If you attack me in words, in gossip or on Social Media, then I will be forced to defend myself. If you disagree with me? Fine! But offer a positive alternative. If you don’t like the world then change it, but if you don’t like me, or my family, I will attack you with every weapon I have until you are no more. Why? Because free speech is a privilege that must not be squandered. Thank you.
The entire hall clap and whoop for a really reallylong time. When the applause does finally die down, it’s time for the final speaker. Me. A thousand eyes on an ugly face.
It’s a long walk to the podium.
I mumble hello.
I mumble that my love is… a pool, the one I fell in. People laugh, but not in a nice way.
I explain that I’m trying to save the pool, to save the creatures who live in it, because they don’t have a voice and even though my voice is rubbish, it’s the only voice they’ve got.
Lauren Hope puts up her hand. I don’t know why. I suspect that she is going to publicly humiliate me in front of the entire school and guess what? I’m right.
As you know my father’s company has been commissioned to drain the pool you are talking but before they can do that, they must provide a full report on any environmental damage to wildlife, and so forth, and in this case, there is none. The pool is empty.
No, it’s not.
And I respect that opinion. But let’s ask the audience who they believe? A team of leading ecologists or you? The boy who thought Paris was a country?
Everybody laughs then looks at me. I am lost for words. There is a long and horrible silence while I think of something to say, punctuated by a slow ticking clock.
Tick Tick Tick
Unable to stand it any longer, Neat stands up to face-off Lauren.
You’re wrong. There’s life. I have seenit.
It’s the girl fight that the whole school has been waiting for, in a very public place. Good Girl versus Bad Girl, in Sudden Death! The whole room bristles, itching for a fight. We all know that Lauren Hope will win, but now there are two of us, and we won’t go down without a fight.
But what did Neat mean? That she’s “Seen it?” Seen what?
​
Neat darts me a stare so strong, it takes me aback. She knowsabout Mia. That’s whyshe was scared. That’s whatshe’s been trying to tell me.
-
​
Neat was magnificent. She’s the one girl who isn’t daunted by Lauren Hope’s triple-threat of brains, beauty and better-than-you’ll-ever-be. Neat landed some killer blows, like saying,
Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there
And,
You claim to be an advocate for free speech, but this boy has a valid opinion that you are trying to silence
It’s the first time, I’ve ever seen Lauren Hope looked flustered, as she contemplated the unthinkable, that someone might beat her, in public. So she dug deep. Fought back with everything she had: research, statistics, popularity, posture, quotes, victim status, moral high ground, intellectual superiority, female empowerment, the lot.
It wasn’t long until Neat was reeling. She was so savaged by Lauren’s intellect that she just stood there, swaying, totally humiliated, totally outclassed, as if one more whisper would finish her off altogether. Lauren Hope could smell victory, smell blood and drew breath to speak. Lauren Hope was about to destroy the one girl who had tried to save me, albeit too late, so I stepped in to protect her.
Stop!
Everyone looked at me, expecting me to say something profound.
Please?
But Lauren Hope didn’t stop. She pulverised me. Made it sound like saving the pool was the most stupid thing ever. On and on, she droned, wiping the floor with us both. Even the teachers wanted her to stop but by now, she Lauren Hope was in full flow, a ruthless, searing monologue that made me look like a chump. After six long minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when I snapped. I wanted to speak but my throat was all dry, so I did something stupid instead. Because that’s what I am. Stupid.
I ripped off my shirt.
The word STOP still scrawled upon my chest, but my sweat had made it melt. With my stained face and skeletal chest, I looked like the poster for a horror movie.
The whole hall fell silent, including Lauren Hope. She looked at me with pity and that’s what made me cry.
​